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A friend recently told me something that dropped a bomb on my world:
“My ex-husband and I had so much going for us … But the one thing that was missing was compatibility. We simply weren’t compatible. We had so much of the other stuff, but without the compatibility we couldn’t make it work.”
Compatibility …
I knew the word, of course. Everyone knows it and pretty much everybody who knows it knows what it means, too.
From Websters: “Capable of existing together in harmony.”
It’s mighty impressive, you have to admit, this notion that you can be wholly in love with someone, connect with them in an infinite number of ways: hearts attached, sex spectacular, the two of you even laughing a lot at the others jokes all these years later, but still. All of that may never be enough.
It occurred to me that this was exactly the problem I had had in my own failed marriage of ten years. And in all the other serious relationships I’d been involved in throughout my life, too.
We weren’t compatible.
I loved each one of them, there’s no doubt about that. I loved them so hard that there was no shortage of tears on my part whenever I’ve had to say goodbye.
It was always a mystery to me. But looking back now and seeing my marriage (and my other love affairs) through the very simple and clear lens of compatibility, I feel like someone just rolled a damn boulder off my big toe. I was suffering from the uncertainty of what had happened to me, to us. But now it makes so much sense.
Hey, this might seem like absolutely obvious stuff, I get that.
So think what you want.
Remember though, I overlooked it for a long time, and because of that I’m guessing a lot of other people might be overlooking it as well. Listen, we can love another person with everything we’ve got, but without compatibility, without that simple magic that allows two people to breath easy whenever they’re together, love will always be an uphill climb.
I was recently asked what divorce advice books I read to help me cope with the end of my marriage. The answer might surprise you. While I did pick through several books written specifically for separating couples, I learned far more from books with a spiritual theme.
Here are the top self-help and spiritual books that helped me get on with life after divorce and enter into healthy relationships.
Mom’s House, Dad’s House, by Isolina Ricci, PhD. This helped me get past the pain of separation to create a healthy co-parenting relationship with my ex-wife, and showed how to lay the foundations for successful two-home parenting, including setting limits and respecting roles. (The title inspired my blog’s name.)
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself, by Melody Beattie. Codependency is often associated with alcoholism, which isn’t a factor with me or my ex. But codependency is a common problem in any emotionally addictive relationship. Failure to get past power struggles is a major reason many relationships fail. If the struggle is rooted in codependency, it takes awareness and strength to break free.
The Art of Happiness, by the Dalai Lama and Howard C. Cutler. This book of Dalai Lama wisdom is different than the rest – it was co-written by a western psychologist. Eastern philosophies get explained in the context of American culture, which makes it a great introduction to Buddhism. The Dalai Lama says the purpose of life is to be happy, and the way to happiness is through compassion. For me, embracing this spiritual view of life has helped my relationships immensely.
Anatomy of the Spirit, by Caroline Myss, PhD. When painful emotions and psychological problems are not dealt with properly, they manifest as dis-ease in the body. This book helps you understand physical pain in a spiritual sense. It offers a nice introduction to the chakras, comparing them to Christian doctrines and the Kabbalah’s Tree of Life. (If nothing else, understanding the chakras can later help in your exploration of tantric sex. What’s not to like about that?)
A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, by Eckhart Tolle. I lied – I didn’t read this during my divorce. I read his other book, The Power of Now. But I penned a review of A New Earth, so feel compelled to plug it again.
I’ve read tons more to help me heal after divorce including the Bhagavad Gita, the Tao, and books by authors like Thomas Moore, Rumi, Krishnamurti, Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Ken Wilber, Gary Zukav. And I listen to Tool; their lyrics are based on Jungian psychology and spirituality. I’m happy to discuss any of these in email, just send me a note.
The best divorce advice books are whatever resonate with you!
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Do you find yourself “falling for” the first person to show you interest? It seems that you are not alone.
I’ve heard from guys who find themselves “in relationship” with women they don’t even really like and women who are dating men that they never in a million years would consider someone to take home and meet the family. People of all walks waking up suddenly to find that they are indeed, someone who settled. Ahhh, the plague of letting other people pick you!
Sometimes it comes from your “picker” being off. Other times boredom. But usually, those conditions are just that — conditional. When it gets to a self esteem level, it becomes more than conditional, it becomes a serious stumbling block in the way of living your best life possible.
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For someone coming out of a hard break up or a long dating drought period, this is more of a hazard than you might suppose. Low self-esteem leads to all kinds of disasterous dating decisions and desperation is even worse. When a dater is trying to fill in some sort of hole in their heart with another person, they are attempting to use that person to bring happiness when in the words of Thoreau — the only person who can make you happy is… you.
So, we all know the problem, but what’s the solution? I think I’m going to fall back on some wisdom handed down generationally in my family to answer this one… stop being passive and letting people pick you. Be a part of the process.
Easy, right? Some of you will snort and say, “Well, duh Kelli.” But for some of you, let this sink in… you are a part of the selection process. You get to pick someone and not just wait for another person to like you first. It will feel uncomfortable and even mean at times to those of you used to just responding to anything that comes your way, but trust me when I tell you that it gets easier. As you one by one, make healthy decisions for yourself and pick/respond only to people that fit what you are looking for, you’ll find less and less dating drama along the way.
The Challenges:
Feeling like you are pricing yourself out of the market. By being selective, you might have a few more lonely Friday nights. But remember — quality is what you want to hold onto, so cutting someone loose because they aren’t a fit for you, just means you keep your dating pipeline open for better matches.
Rejection. Yup, you are going to face rejection. Sometimes the people you “pick” won’t pick you back. Other times, people will make fun of you or even get mad about your new standards. Surrounding yourself with a support group who wants only the best for you might be a really good idea if you feel like a lone soldier at the front.
Self esteem. If you are used to other people filling your esteem tank, you are going to run empty after a few weeks of this. Before that happens, start filling your own tank by developing your life and your self around what and who you want to be. When your self-esteem comes from within, no one but you can take that away.
Remembering that if you aim at nothing, you’ll hit it every time. Most successful people did not just stumble into their success. They got inspired, made a plan and focused on what they wanted to achieve. And when they got it, they didn’t sit back on their laurels, they continued nurturing their dream. Do the same thing for your dating life. Aim for something and shoot!
Changing unhealthy patterns in yourself. As you shift your selection process, you’ll start to notice that you attract people at the same level as you in many ways. If you don’t like the “losers” you attract, the answer may be as simple as looking into yourself to see what “loser” qualities you are exhibiting. Ouch. I know. This one is perhaps the hardest and takes the most honesty, vulnerability to friends/therapist/family who might help you see clearly, and determination to change. No one expects you to be perfect, but the more you are aware and willing to make changes, the more you will attract non-loser people.
Its another — not easy, but worth it post. But I have yet to meet someone who really wants to settle for whatever comes along.
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After eight years of marriage I’ve finally figured out the secret to magically wedded bliss. Are you ready for it?
It’s to suck it up.
You’re disappointed, I know. You were expecting something awesome and amazing — something so good that you would never, ever think of it on your own.
But let me tell you, the foundation to a good marriage and partnership is found in the tiniest of places, even if that tiny place is putting the toilet paper back on the roll every. single. day. of said blissful marriage.
I may sound like I’m being facetious or flippant and I almost hate to admit that I’m being entirely truthful, but it really is quite that simple. No, it won’t solve all your problems or guarantee you’ll never fight a day in your life, but you might be surprised at just how far it goes.
After years (seriously) of being annoyed, aggravated, and irritated by tiny little habits of my husband’s that simply drove me nuts, I finally discovered the solution.
Take care of those things myself.
That may sound like I’m being weak or walked over or resorting to a housewife-like role, but the way I see it, there are two options. Option one is the one I went with for so long, (because I married a grown-up, I told myself) where I sit and fume and let the irritation build up until I explode over the most ridiculous of things. The dishes are sitting in the sink un-rinsed, the clothes are in the middle of the floor, the cereal box is in the pantry wide open. I’d yell and berate and sometimes cry, I was so frustrated. I couldn’t understand why a fully capable adult couldn’t handle these minuscule responsibilities.
Then one day, I was in an exceptionally charitable mood and instead of making a mental tally of all the things my husband had done wrong (read: not my way) that day, I simply took care of them myself. I put the toilet paper on all the holders, tucked the dishes out of sight in the dishwasher, and tossed the forgotten trail of dirty clothes into the hamper.
And then I simply forgot about it.
It’d taken 30 seconds of my time and energy and it was done with. No getting mad or begrudging yet another thing I had to do. It just was, and then it was over. Then even more pleasant, I found that my husband annoyed me less. That sounds terrible, I know, but unless you’re one of the few exceptions who has a husband who picks up after himself, you know what I mean.
Suddenly I was able to see all the things he does do again. The way he stops to wrestle with our son even though he’s late on his way out the door or how the lawn is always mowed and the doors are always locked before bed.
When the underlying resentment and annoyance was eliminated and alleviated, it allowed all the good to shine through. And to me, that’s worth rewashing yet another load of forgotten wet laundry.
“I have to express this.” he told me. He was angry as we waited outside for a late night pizza delivery. His eyes got hard and he started to vent. He ranted against Big and the situation. He raged against the fact that he knows he offers the world and still I won’t take it from him. He vented over time and time again losing someone he loved as they stepped off into their happily ever after without him. He went on until he was spent, and I just listened. He has the right to say these things. He has the right to be angry. And he has the right to tell me.
Finally, he slowed down. “I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at the situation.” he told me. And he softened. He went on to talk about how I deserve so much more. How I deserve to be happy. How I deserve the world. After his rightful anger, I didn’t know what to do with that. And then he asked me “Don’t you think you deserve more?”
And I looked at him and told him the truth. Right now I deserve no more. In fact, right now I deserve to be on my own for acting like such a brat over this. I deserve to lose them both because neither of them deserves to be juggled like this. I would deserve it if he walked off into the night right now and never let me come back.
And the night fell silent. His anger had faded and all that was left was us.
He told me again that he’d wait. That he is committed to getting through this with me. That he will do whatever it takes. And I wondered to myself why he doesn’t believe he deserves more, but couldn’t bring myself to say it out loud.
Then the pizza delivery came and we went inside. And we haven’t mentioned it again since.
